


The Commentary Collection

by Louise_1



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Character Analysis, Commentary, Criticism, Meta, Multi, Satire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2018-08-20 00:36:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 10,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8230148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louise_1/pseuds/Louise_1
Summary: Thoughts on Howard and TBBT.





	1. Howard is, and Howard is not.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment moderation is in use. Pro-canon comments will simply be deleted and will never see the light of day. Save your breath.

**The real Howard is:**

 

  * Single 
  * Extremely intelligent
  * Talented 
  * Clever
  * Practical
  * Resourceful
  * Creative
  * Inventive
  * Hard-working 
  * Resilient
  * Plucky
  * Confident 
  * A good son
  * A good friend
  * Helpful
  * Loyal 
  * Sometimes timid, but also brave
  * Mischievous 
  * Tricky and crafty 
  * Fun-loving
  * Innocent
  * Energetic 
  * Lively
  * Imaginative
  * Boisterous
  * Hyperactive 
  * Flirtatious
  * Highly sexual. 
  * Occasionally self-doubting, but not to an overwhelming degree. 
  * Occasionally selfish, but not moreso than the other original 5 characters. 
  * Vulnerable 
  * Sarcastic
  * Snarky 
  * Chaotic Neutral 
  * Optimistic 
  * Child-like, not childish. 
  * Professionally, financially, and academically successful 
  * Colorful 
  * A polyglot 
  * A magician, gamer, and hacker. 
  * Occasionally reckless, but not to the point of causing irreparable harm. 
  * Gentle 
  * Sweet, not saccharine. 
  * Cute, not cutesy 
  * Free-spirited
  * Eccentric and proud of it
  * A genius
  * A mensch 



 

**The real Howard is not:**

 

  * Married 
  * Eager to get Wifey knocked-up so that he can coo about babies. 
  * Lazy 
  * Stupid
  * Passive
  * Submissive
  * Complacent
  * Defeatist
  * Sentimental
  * Self-loathing
  * Sugary and schmaltzy
  * Ashamed of his own past and his own personality
  * Spineless
  * Immature
  * Irresponsible
  * Bad with money 
  * Incapable of doing basic everyday tasks
  * A "man-child."  (This is a meaningless buzzword.)
  * Physically slothful or slovenly.
  * A slob 
  * A henpecked husband.
  * Obsessed with having babies. 
  * Helpless 
  * Inept
  * Incompetent
  * A failure 
  * Lacking money or professional success. 
  * Disgusting
  * A creep
  * A pervert
  * A rapist
  * Greedy 
  * Eager to spend other people's money
  * Incapable of dressing or feeding himself 
  * Willing to let others bully him or walk all over him. 
  * Emotionally hysterical. 
  * Irrational ( at least not moreso than the other characters.)
  * Paranoid, jealous, envious
  * Petty and spiteful
  * Malicious
  * Panicky
  * Constantly insecure. (He can be self-doubting *at times*, as stated above, but it's not the keynote of his personality and it's not quite the same thing as being insecure.)
  * Saccharine 
  * Conformist 
  * Bored and boring. 
  * Cutesy and twee. 
  * Dull and drab
  * A nebbish 



 

 

 

 

 


	2. The Abominable Bride

In the original novel by Mary Shelley, Dr.Victor Frankenstein begins building a female mate for his Creature. But, he then decides to discontinue this project and destroy the female creature before she is brought to life, because he knows that what he’s doing is wrong and can only result in disaster. This artificial female never comes into being.

 

Let’s consider a different case: in this case, there is no singular Inventor. The inventors and creators are multiple and various; they come and go. But for the sake of simplicity, we will refer to this rotating group of Inventors and Creators as “he”, just like Dr.Frankenstein.

 

This creator brings Howard into being, and Howard is not a Monster, although he is perhaps something wild and bizarre, something unique and surprising. Howard is vivid and alive, he is magic and color and brilliance.

 

Then, it would appear that just like Victor Frankenstein, this modern-day Creator gets tired of his Creation; he begins to distrust it, dislike it, and fear it. For reasons which can never be known or understood, he does not like the colorful and vivid Howard, the wild and mischeivous Howard, the playful and hypersexual Howard, the fun and confident Howard, the spontaneous and brilliant Howard.

 

This creator believes, mistakenly, that he has created a Monster; because this creation is so life-like and so filled with energy and sparkle that the Creator feels like he is no longer in control of his project. The creation has developed a life of its own, and we can’t have that, can we?

 

Although absolutely nobody has requested it or felt the lack of it, the Creator is going to build a female mate for Howard. Nobody has asked him to do this. He has apparently forgotten Ian Malcolm’s precept that “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”

 

It would appear that this Creator has suffered a Sophomore Slump, when he starts building this second round of people. Howard is so real, and the female is quite, quite obviously artificial. She’s only half-finished, if that.

 

Exactly like Victor Frankenstein’s female creature, this female creature is a poorly planned and shoddy project, done hurriedly, without care or thought or specificity. She’s flimsy and one-dimensional. She doesn’t have enough substance; she falls apart easily. The Creator used a lot of duct tape and pressboard, this time.

 

Of course, while the Creator is busily building Bride of Howard out of sawdust, bullshit, and misogyny, he is also busily dismantling First Generation Howard and rolling out the Diet version. This time, he’ll build a Howard who won’t make his own creator feel threatened by being too vivid and cocky and dazzling. Muted colors, muted voice, muted everything.

 

What most people don’t know is that the Creator was actually too lazy to build Howard 2.0 from scratch, so instead he just castrated Howard 1.0, and removed a few slivers of brain matter, as well.

 

Howard 2.0 is a work in progress. The Creator keeps on tinkering with his hairstyle, his wardrobe, his vocal cords, his backstory, his abilities or lack thereof, his family members, his habits and his moral compass. It’s easy to mess around with him, now, because he can’t fight back, anymore. The Creator yanked out most of his spine.

 

The Creator has no long-term memory. Howard 2.0 has no long-term memory either, except in moments where he’s supposed to feel ashamed of Howard 1.0.

 

Bride of Howard is made of hair extensions, sulfuric acid, and some leftover stereotypes from the 1950s. Personality sold separately.

 

Admittedly, it’s been a while since the Creator met a real woman, so he had no template to work from.

 

Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she wonderful? She made him a bitter...I mean, a battered...I mean, a better man! Just like Nurse Ratched did for Randall P. Murphy….

 

Eventually, the Creator slaps together another ghoulish pseudo-female Golem, for Raj. But that’s really not worth mentioning, because the Creator doesn’t give two fucks about Raj.

 

Bride of Howard is now Howard’s “best friend”, and we have always been at war with Eastasia.

 

Dr. Frankenstein done fucked up this time, y’all. The Bride *is* a Monster.


	3. Getting Away With Murder

 

The saddest part, Creator, is this: you had something pretty darn cool, and then you threw it away. And for reasons which may never be understood, you began a continuous smear-campaign against your own creation; against the very same ideas and concepts which you yourself had presented to us, in the first place. You dreamed up all these fun things and fun people, you brought them into being, then you turn around and denounce them and dismantle them and systematically destroy them. That’s bizarre.

There are several possibilities, here. Either the Creator believes his own propaganda, or this is just a cynical and self-aware money-grab.

That was a sly trick, Creator, trying to make us feel ashamed of having loved the things *you* made so lovable.

Why did you make Howard 1.0 so lovable, then turn around and tell us to despise him? Why did you seduce us into caring about him, if you were only going to take him away, or rip him to shreds?

For money. For your _convenience._ For popularity. For mainstream acceptance.

Because god forbid that we have anything controversial or challenging, anything that might offend, anything that might be divisive or thought-provoking, anything that might make people think, and disagree, and debate, and wonder.

In its place, you made something soft and bland, something easy to swallow and easy to digest.

You’d rather have something dry and dusty and airless, something dull and deadening. You’d rather have something that works like a sedative on the mind and the imagination. You’d rather put people to sleep--a spiritual and intellectual sleep, in which their assumptions and prejudices are never challenged.

You’d rather have something narrow and shallow and hollow, something cruel and ugly. You’d rather have something predictable and conventional and cobweb-covered and empty. You’d rather sleepwalk your way to fortune and success. You’d rather take a wet shit all over your own product. Was that gross? Your product is gross. You’d rather promote judgment and derision of those who are different, instead of promoting tolerance and acceptance. You’ve presented us with malice and hatred and viciousness of every description, and you tell us that it’s sweet and heartwarming, that it’s all about love and friendship.

Hubris comes before a fall, Creator. This gravy train of bilge and confetti can’t keep running much longer. Your machine is powered by fumes and marketing and ego. The Emperor has no clothes. We are witnessing the last gasp of this broken-down contraption, the death throes of this walking corpse. When this vessel of yours finally reaches the end of its excessively long and twisted route, it will be like Chapter 7 in the novel Dracula; where a ship pulls into port and everyone on it is already dead on arrival.

You murdered Howard. And if there’s still an occasional moment where he seems bright and lively and engaging, that’s the same phenomenon as a chicken that continues to move after it’s decapitated. It’s the same phenomenon as a phantom limb which can still be felt, after it’s been amputated.

You murdered Howard during primetime, in front of millions of people, and you were arrogant enough and complacent enough to believe that nobody would object?

You believed that everyone, without exception, would swallow this bullshit whole and say “Awww, how sweet.”?  You think nobody has a long-term memory? You think you can retcon with impunity?

You think nobody is observant enough or clear-headed enough to see how phony this redemption story of yours is? Do you think I can’t tell the difference between realistic emotion, thoughtful storytelling, ACTUAL character-development, and this treacly melodrama, this  preachy, insipid schlock?

Did you think everyone would nod their head in agreement while you promote the idea that abuse is love, that defeat is maturity, that self-hatred is personal growth, that mundanity is entertainment, that bathos is drama and schmaltz is romance?

Did you think, perhaps, that your viewers have never *experienced* personal growth, themselves, and can’t recognize it when they see it?

“She made me a better man?” Are you serious, with this rubbish?

What led you to write such silly and disappointing words, and why would you place them in the mouth of such a marvelous actor? Is he partly to blame, too? Certainly. I don’t hold him blameless at all.  He is Howard’s body, he has Howard’s face, but Howard doesn’t live there anymore.

Do you think this shit is plausible? Do you think it’s good writing? Good storytelling? Good acting? Good anything?

Try harder, because I’m not buying what you’re selling.

Did you think nobody would stand behind him and defend him, even after you made him betray himself, reject himself, denounce himself and hate himself?

Did you think *everyone* would cheer with approval while you spent _years_ humiliating him, torturing him, emasculating him, grinding him up like hamburger?

Nope. You thought wrong. What you’ve done will not be allowed to pass without comment. You are not immune to criticism. Don’t insult my intelligence by insisting that you’ve crafted something deep and meaningful and complex and beautiful and subtle, here. You’ve crafted crap for your commercial sponsors and the longevity of your own brand. You can’t put lipstick on a pig.

Am I overstating my case? Is my criticism too extreme? Am I making too big an issue, over something fictional? Maybe so. But this is the only medium I have, in which to state my case. This is my only available forum. I don’t have the “bully pulpit”, like you do. This is my only chance. You have vast resources and worldwide exposure. I have...this.

You’ve spent years and millions, in destroying Howard and the world he inhabited. I think I’m allowed a few sentences of rebuttal.

It’s almost 2017, and you STILL think that “Men are dumb, women are bitchy” is a hilarious, fascinating, and relevant notion? Do you also think that doctors should bleed people, that witches kill livestock, and that women need corsets to hold their intestines in place?  

You never met a cliche, a stereotype, or a trope that you didn’t just *love.*

Lazy husbands, angry wives, wacky neighbors, country hicks, dumb blondes, hapless nerds, icy intellectuals, goofy foreigners...and yes, the greedy and predatory Jew. That one’s only a few thousand years old, and it never did any harm, did it?

How original of you.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a formula, if the formula *works*, and there’s nothing wrong with stock characters if you can breathe new life into them, there’s nothing wrong with tropes and stereotypes if you can tweak them and subvert them and make them seem fresh.

But you had a set-up that worked, and you threw it away. You did worse than throw it away; you mutilated and cannibalized and butchered it, on-screen.  You killed the goose that laid the golden eggs. Somehow, the golden eggs keep coming your way, but it doesn’t change the fact that you killed the goose.

I will *never* accept this new version of Howard’s story. Do you hear me? I will *never* believe in it.  I will *never* view him as one-half of a duo that includes this repulsive, hideous, _disgusting_ , preposterous “wife” you’ve surgically attached to his side.  He is not half a character, or half a person. I will not subject myself to promo pictures in which Howard is always, always, always paired with this _thing,_ this mannequin, this rat-faced wax figure, taking up space. You can’t present him to me as merely half of something. You can’t present him to me as this frightened and passive worm, this groveling, apologizing, driveling nebbish, because I cannot recognize him, in that guise.

You killed him for your _convenience_ , and that is unforgivable.


	4. Dick and Jane and Howie and What's-her-Name.

 

See Howie. See Howie’s girlfriend. See everyone pretend that Girlfriend is an actual character, not a half-baked plot device. Oh, see! So lovely. So cute. See Howie dance with Girlfriend in his bedroom. Oooh, dancing! See the bedroom full of fun science-fiction collectibles which Girlfriend hates and will soon throw away. See Howie’s house, which Girlfriend hates, just like she hates his mother.  See everyone pretend that this relationship is in any way healthy, normal, positive, or believable! 

See them get engaged. Oooh,a wedding! See the wedding! Pretty wedding, so pretty! See the Howard we know and love, disintegrating like a slug when you pour beer on it.  See his brain-matter come dribbling out of his ears, as his intelligence fades.

Oooh, what’s-her-face is pregnant! Oooh, a baby! So sweet. So cute. See the cuteness. See the sweetness. See everyone die of hyperglycemia. See us choke on the phoniness. Cute baby. Cute Howie. Cute Wifey. Cute cuteness and cute sweetness and cute weddings and cute babies! Wifey has a baby! Wifey has a baby’s voice, too, because women are children! The cuteness is sweet and the sweetness is cute! 

Weddings and babies and funerals, oh my! 

See Howie’s career, which Wifey hates. See Howie’s plans and dreams, which Wifey hates. See Howie’s treasured belongings and possessions, which Wifey hates. See Howie’s hobbies and talents, which Wifey hates. See Howie’s dignity and personhood, which Wifey crushes. See Howie’s freedom and self-respect, which Wifey destroys. See Howie’s sex-drive, which Wifey disdains. See Howie’s money, which Wifey wants. 

See Howie sing to Wifey! Oooh, singing! Oooh, romance! Oh, see. So lovely. More singing! More singing, because it’s cheap and easy to write and to film! See the filler! Oooh, the filler! Lots of singing, lots of filler! See the singing, which is easier than dialogue or action! 

Hear the lyrics! So cringey! 

Step right up and see the two-headed couples! They used to be separate individuals, now they’ve been fused and unified into codependent monstrosities!

See Howard die and be replaced by Howie. See genuine emotions be replaced by treacle. See wit and intelligence be replaced by conformity. See friendship die and be replaced by weddings and babies and funerals.  See the romance.  See the loveliness. Feel the love. See the love. See the shitty writing. See the listless acting. See the verbal, emotional, psychological and financial abuse. So adorable. See Howie hang himself, a few years from now. But there’s a baby! See the baby! See the pretty mommy and the pretty daddy! What will happen if Mommy hates the baby as much as she hates Daddy?  See the postpartum depression! 

Don’t see Raj; we don’t care about him, anymore. 


	5. An Open Letter

An Open Letter: 

Fuck your portrayal of men. Fuck your portrayal of women. Fuck your portrayal of mothers, and fuck your portrayal of fathers. Fuck your portrayal of parenthood. Fuck your portrayal of adulthood. Fuck your portrayal of sex, and fuck your portrayal of romance. Fuck your portrayal of depression and anxiety. Fuck your portrayal of psychology and psychiatry. 

Fuck your definition of maturity. Fuck your definition of normalcy.

Fuck your portrayal of fandom. Fuck your portrayal of hobbies, games, and pastimes. 

Fuck your portrayal of homosexuality, asexuality, or any type of sexuality. 

Fuck your portrayal of science, and fuck your portrayal of scientists. Fuck your portrayal of science fiction. Fuck your portrayal of fantasy and fuck your portrayal of reality. 

Fuck your portrayal of marriage. Fuck your portrayal of dating and courtship.

Fuck your portrayal of money. Fuck your portrayal of work and employment. Fuck your portrayal of success and failure. Fuck your portrayal of education. 

Fuck your portrayal of autism. Fuck your portrayal of genius. Fuck your portrayal of intelligence and intellect. 

Fuck your portrayal of death, and fuck your portrayal of life.

Have a nice day. *hugs and kisses*


	6. What it means to be a fan.

My concept of him does not include her. My fondness for him and my memory of him will never include her. Never.

 

My concept of him will never include the things you’ve done to him in recent years, and the things you’ve made him say and do.

 

My fondness for him and my memory of him are safe from those incursions, and immune to those attacks.

 

Do you get that? I reject your new version of things. I will not cede any ground to those things. I will not allow those things to enter my mental landscape, or to stay there. 

 

My view of him remains safe from anything you have done, or may try to do. The genie is out of the bottle, already, and you can’t shove him back in, again. 

You do not get to tell me how to be a fan.


	7. It's Like This

 

Howard 1.0 is like being on a private island with your lover--or being on a private island alone, if that’s your preference. The Bride is like entering a Cistercian Monastery and wearing a hair-shirt. 

The Bride is like mystery meat from Taco Bell, and Howard 1.0 is like Thanksgiving dinner at your grandma’s house. 

Howard 1.0 is Picasso and the Bride is Thomas Kinkade. 

Howard 1.0 is an ice cream sandwich and the Bride is a buffalo dung sandwich.

The Bride is a Caffeine-Free Diet Coke which has gone flat from being left open for three days. Howard 1.0 is a shot of liquor in a glass of fresh-squeezed happiness. 

Howard 1.0 is like eating chocolate, and the Bride is like eating chalk. 

Howard 1.0 is like your favorite author, whoever that may be. The Bride is like Nicholas Sparks or Stephanie Meyer. Actually, if you took Stephanie Meyer and ran some of her prose through Google Translate, the resulting gibberish would make about as much sense as The Bride’s storyline.

Howard 1.0 is a rainbow and the Bride is 50 Shades of Beige. 

Howard 1.0 is like winning the lottery. The Bride is like winning the lottery in Shirley Jackson’s world. 

The Bride is like pizza from 7-11; Howard 1.0 is like pizza from Italy. 

Howard 1.0 is that feeling you get, as a child, when school lets out for summer vacation. The Bride is that feeling you get when you wake up on Monday morning and have to go back to work. 

Howard 1.0 is Elvis in the ‘56 Comeback Special; the Bride is Fat & Bloated Elvis. 

Howard 1.0 is that feeling when a baby smiles at you. The Bride is that feeling when a baby throws up on you. 

Howard 1.0 thinks you’re kinda hot; the Bride thinks you should shut up and get out of her way.

Howard 1.0 is indelible. He cannot be destroyed. He is grand and memorable. The Bride is a footnote. She is an afterthought. She is an also-ran. She is a non-starter. A whole host of hostile forces can attempt to erase Howard, to silence him, to crush him, to discredit him, but will he be forgotten? No. The Bride has no rightful place in his story. She is not a part of his legacy, and his legacy owes nothing to her. 

Her presence has contributed  _ nothing.  _ She enlivens nothing, she enlightens nothing. 

Oh, that really pissed you off, didn’t it? I’ll say it again: she has brought  _ nothing  _ of value or significance. She is  _ nothing.  _

He overshadows her completely. He is a star and she is not even worth mentioning; except that she *must* be mentioned, if we are to expose how ridiculous she is.  

She is already fading from view. She came in with a whine and goes out with a yawn. She will crumble and turn to dust. 

There is no contest, here, between the beloved icon and the shoddy addition. He stands apart from her, and always will, in people’s memories. 

Howard is a legend. The Bride is a lie. 


	8. Things Howard Does Not Do

Things Howard Does Not Do:

Howard does not spend other people’s money. He has no need to. He is an aerospace engineer; he makes at least $100,000 per year. Someone in his position has absolutely zero need to marry for money, to depend on someone else’s income, or to beg, borrow, or wheedle for money. 

Howard does not sit slumped on the couch wearing a wrinkled “wifebeater” tank-top like Al Bundy or Archie Bunker or Homer Simpson. Howard takes meticulous pride in his clothes and his personal appearance. 

Howard does not wear drab colors or loose-fitting items. See #2

Howard does not wear rumpled shirts with sleeves that are too long for him. See #2

Howard does not keep altering his trademark bowlcut hairdo and making it too short and choppy. See #2

Howard does not wear dirty underwear. See #2. 

Howard does not speak in a soft, hesitant, effeminate tone of voice. 

Howard does not say things like “I wuv you so much.”

Howard does not write and perform dopey, sugary love-songs about how his life was worthless before the suspiciously sudden introduction of some helium-voiced cipher of a “woman.” 

Howard most likely has some quirky tastes in music, but he does not sing karaoke to Justin Beiber or Neil Diamond. 

Howard’s best friend is Raj. Howard does not publicly declare that someone other than Raj is his best friend. 

Howard does not have problems with his sexual health or performance. Why would he?

Howard does not use someone else’s money to buy a 3D printer. If he wanted one, he would build one, from scratch.

Howard does not allow a virtual stranger to take over his mother’s house, talk of knocking down walls, change everything, and make him feel like an unwanted guest in his own home, forbidding him to keep his own treasured possessions and the simple little things that bring him joy. 

Howard does not want to conceive a child with the person who despises and destroys everything he holds dear.

Howard is not incapable of cutting his own pancakes or his own meat. Are you fucking kidding me? 

Howard does not start obsessing about babies and fatherhood at an age when most young men are still establishing themselves and enjoying the freedom of their young adulthood.

Bonus Item: Raj does not fantasize about his best friend’s death.


	9. The Creator Has Issues

The Creator somehow manages to be obsessed with sex, and to be anti-sex, at the same time. 

(This is closely related to the fact that the Creator is simultaneously anti-man and anti-woman.)

 

His view of sexuality is not healthy at all. You’d damn well better not be asexual, but you’d damn well better not be hypersexual, either. If you don’t want sex, you’re defective, and if you *do* want sex, then you’re a creepy pervert or a slut. You can’t be celibate, but you can’t have multiple partners or be sexually adventurous, either.

 

The *only* acceptable form of sexuality in the Creator’s world is a heterosexual monogamous marriage, which produces biological children, and which should, preferably, occur before the age of thirty.

 

Staying single because you don’t want sex? You’re a cold and emotionless robot.

 

Staying single because you *do* want sex? You’re a disgusting deviant.

 

Single people are childish, selfish, emotionally stunted, immature, sad, pathetic, and psychologically abnormal. So Sayeth The Creator.

 

You want sex? Pervert.

 

You don’t want sex? Weirdo.

 

You’re almost twenty-seven! Hurry up and get married to the first person who crosses your path, or you’ll turn into a pumpkin! So Sayeth The Creator. You’ve only got fifty or sixty years left to live, considering the current life-expectancy in the United States! Don’t waste it on all that crap about “being young”, and “finding yourself” and “exploring your world”! Don’t waste it on education or career, or travel, or adventure, or taking care of your elderly parents, or taking care of yourself, emotionally and physically! What are you, some kind of social misfit? 

 

WEDDING. WEDDING NOW. WEDDING NOW NOW NOW. WEDDINGSEX AND BABYMAKE IS DOUBELPLUSGOOD. 

 

Gay? What’s that??? Just a punchline for jokes, right? #Nohomo, bro! 

 

The Creator’s standards of behavior are impossible to follow. They are labyrinthine and Kafkaesque and full of Catch-22s. You will exhaust yourself and drive yourself mad, trying to obey the Creator’s standards of “normal” behavior, because they are so contradictory. 

 

In the Creator’s world, being single is a sign of mental illness. It is the only unpardonable sin. It’s fine and dandy to be cruel, manipulative, deceitful, violent, abusive, narrow-minded, capricious, and unjust. But it’s not okay to enjoy casual sex, or to be celibate by choice. 

So Sayeth The Creator.


	10. Weddings

A wedding. Oooh, a wedding! It’s frilly and fluffy and flouncy and frothy and fancy! It’s lacey and lovely!

There has to be a wedding.

There has to be a wedding, where you make promises you can’t keep, to someone you don’t know, about things you can’t anticipate, in front of people you don’t like, for reasons you can’t be sure of.

A mature man spends two thousand dollars on a completely useless lump of pressurized carbon, in order to prove to a woman that he honors and respects her. That’s how mature people spend their money.

The woman, in order to prove that she’s a real woman, spends almost as much, on a dress that she will wear just once, and never again. _Just once, and never again._ That’s how mature people spend their money.

 

You can’t spend it on collectibles and comic books. No, that would be childish. You need seven yards of tulle and a chip of rock that came from the mud. You need enough fabric to make a parachute, and it doesn’t even include sleeves or pockets.

You need a stone which is basically a charcoal briquette and costs a month’s salary. A ring that is literally made of soot. That is its chemical composition.

It's the same as the graphite on a pencil.

That’s sensible. That’s mature. That’s what adults do. You need enough fabric to clothe an entire family, and it doesn’t even cover you, really.

You can’t spend it on technology, or education, or a trip to Borneo, or a seat on the first commercial flight to Mars. You can’t use it to care for your aging parents, or help out a friend who has fallen on hard times. You can’t donate it to science or give it to charity. You can’t buy action figures, or collector plates, or a light sabre, or a new laptop, or even some flashy belt buckles which will last a long time. You can’t put that money aside for your own future needs.

There has to be a wedding. It will be so beautiful. What could be more romantic than setting yourself up for an eventual divorce?

There has to be a wedding, so you need to buy your white toga and your lump of coal. It’s a rite of passage. It’s a mark of adulthood. Don’t you know that?

Spending your time and money on anything else would be a waste.

There has to be a wedding, because the people who are watching you want Bread and Circuses. They want Prolefeed.


	11. Couples

You are never “half a man.” Nobody is ever “half a person.” “You complete me” is just a silly and asinine line from a movie. Nobody can complete you. You must first be complete in yourself, before you can relate to other people. You are born as an individual. Nobody is part of a pair for their entire lives, except twins, and even twins are two distinct persons.

Nobody will accompany you at the moment of death; there will be no Plus-One or “significant other” when you pass from one state of being into another. There will be no prizes for being part of a “couple", then. You are not born incomplete; you are not a lock in search of a key, or vice versa. Live for yourself. Be complete in yourself.

The person who truly loves you will love your whole self, your complete self, they will not see you as a spare part to be incorporated into themselves. Phrases like “my other half” or “my better half” are sentimental bullshit.

You’re alone in the womb and alone in the tomb. As for the space in-between those two points of origin and of departure, it’s up to you to make it worthwhile. That time belongs to you. A true partner, if you want one, will be the person who loves the whole you. They’ll be the person who wants to stand beside you in solidarity, not merge with you into some mutant two-headed creature called Couple.

Know yourself first. Love yourself first. Accept yourself first. You are whole, and you are sufficient.


	12. She's Beautiful When She's Angry

She’s so beautiful when she’s angry. She’s so sexy when she’s angry. It’s so funny when she’s angry.

 

*giggle*

 

Women’s feelings are a joke! Women themselves are just a joke! Women are just irrational and hysterical and crazy! So funny!

 

Women’s anger is not real, it’s just for show. It’s just a display for masochistic, self-hating men with dominatrix fantasies, men who want to be abused, men who think anger is sexy.

 

So sexy! Tee hee hee! OMG, a male is acting like he’s afraid of a female! I’m gonna pee my pants with laughter!

 

*giggle flirt blush*

 

Women’s needs, wants, concerns, fears, and worries are the stuff of comedy! Tee hee! She’s cute when she’s angry, she’s beautiful when she’s angry, she’s sexy when she’s angry, because women’s emotions aren’t real, and don’t need to be taken seriously!

 

Silly woman, acting like your feelings matter! It’s so hilarious when she gets upset, like her point of view actually has meaning and importance!

 

Silly rabbit, sanity is for men! You’re beautiful when you act psychotic, you pretty little thing!

 

Spousal abuse is sexy and hilarious when it’s woman-on-man instead of man-on-woman, dontcha know??? It’s okay because boobs! Did we mention boobs? Let’s mention boobs, again! That’s every man’s dream-girl; a rampaging sociopath with big boobs! Boobs!

 

It’s funny when a man is scared of his wife! Oooh, she has a temper! Oooh, Howie is scared of what’s-her-face, LOL! So freakin’ funny, just so gosh-darn fucking funny! Because, as we all know, women ought to be afraid of men, so it’s funny when the natural order of things is reversed. LOL!

 

If a man terrorizes a woman, if he emotionally blackmails her, if he psychologically torments her, if he gaslights and manipulates her, if he confines and restricts and imprisons her, if he intimidates and humiliates her...well, that’s just par for the course. That’s normal, right? Move along, nothing to see.

 

But when a woman does all those things to a man? When she terrorizes and tortures and attacks a male? OMG, LOL, hilarious, because real men don’t feel pain, and women are just silly, ineffectual little sex-dolls, and no matter what they do, it doesn’t count!

 

Oooh, she’s getting angry! Oooh, he’s scared of her! Domestic violence is comedy gold! Did we mention big tits???

 

Women aren’t people! Tee hee hee! They’re a pair of tits with a temper! Much progressive, such feminism, so inclusive, very wow!

 

*giggle giggle* Tits! Emotional torture! More tits! That’s what women are made of, isn’t it? That’s all they’re good for!

 

Domestic abuse. Mental illness. Emotional terrorism. Bipolar Disorder. Rage. Blame. Fear. Pain.

**********LAUGH TRACK***********


	13. Manic Pixie Nightmare Girl

So, Creator. This is your vision of an attractive woman, an appealing woman?

 

This lamprey with its suckers affixed to Howard’s flesh, this madly barking Chihuahua?

 

This is your vision of the ideal woman? This is your idea of romance?

 

As we’ve noted previously, the Creator is a sadist in regards to men, and a masochist in regards to women. He wants to be abused by women, and he wants to see other men suffer. In the Creator’s world, men are entitled to beautiful women, but they must also be punished, for having this desire. 

 

Women should be available to men--but not *too* available, because then you’re a slut. Men should want women--but not want them *too* much, because then you’re a pervert. These are the Creator’s rules for “normal” male-female relations.

 

In the Creator’s world, every man receives a woman, like she’s being issued to him, like a piece of equipment, but she’s likely to be an unpleasant and unstable woman who will treat him badly. 

 

This is the Creator’s imagining of a normal lifestyle, a normal marriage, a normal relationship.

 

The Creator emphatically does not want realistic women in his universe. He wants the Mother-Slut-Bitch-Wife, whose job is to be attractively angry, to be alternately nurturing and demanding. He’s got one hell of a Madonna-Whore complex. He’s a masochist in regards to women, and a sadist in regards to men.

 

The Creator would rather have a fake woman yelling at him, verbally and emotionally and psychologically abusing him, than hear a real woman calmly stating her genuine opinions. Because a real woman might have thoughts and feelings that don’t revolve around men, and that is just unacceptable and unfathomable, to the Creator. The Creator is scared shitless of the idea that women might be thinking about something other than chore-charts and tiaras, dinner-parties and furniture, dresses and drinks and gossip.

 

You’re sick in the head, Creator. You need therapy. But not from someone like Leonard’s mother, because you’d enjoy it too much.


	14. Public Service Announcement

Hey, kids, guess what? Abuse and dysfunction aren't funny, cute, sexy, romantic, witty, admirable, inspiring, clever, smart, insightful, entertaining, healthy, normal, or something to emulate. And if you believe that they are, well...I'd like to see you try to defend that position, because I don't think you can, without showing yourself in a very bad light.


	15. Attrition

I don't know who this other guy is, but the real Howard Wolowitz is nobody's husband and nobody's father.


	16. Verbal Abuse is not cute, funny, or romantic.

A person who says things like "You're an idiot" and "Zip it, pervert!" is not a good person. They are not a friend, a partner, or a lover in any sense.

They are not someone we should admire or side with or want to emulate.

Likewise, there is nothing funny about watching someone express agreement when they're called an idiot. A person who says "I'm your idiot" is self-loathing, weak, pathetic, and defeated. It's just Stockholm Syndrome. 

Even accounting for the concept of comedic exaggeration, this stuff is not funny. Remember, these scenes are not being presented as satire or dark humor, they are being presented as straightforwardly cute, romantic, and humorous, and we are intended to take it at face value.

This type of thing makes abusive behavior seem acceptable, and viewers who are easily influenced will absorb this message. They have already done so. 

People who are happy with themselves and with each other do not talk this way. Emotionally healthy people with consideration for themselves and others do not behave this way. 

Even characters who are intended to be weird or eccentric or goofy do not behave this way. Bullies and their victims behave this way.

This shit does not call for a laughtrack.

It calls for a revolution, in terms of what we accept and consume from the entertainment industry and from our own personal relationships.


	17. Zombies

 

Zombies are dead, and they eat the living. It’s because they are dead that they must eat the living. They cannot continue to exist, without stalking, hunting, attacking, killing, and consuming the life-force of others. They have no inner resources of their own, they don’t have a personality. 

Don’t bother trying to understand these people, because there is nothing to understand. You see, they have no inner self, and so they are trying to steal yours. They see that you are a confident and happy person--qualities which they lack--and so they will try to cannibalize you and assimilate your strength and beauty and freedom into themselves. They don’t want to acknowledge that you are a real person, a real human being with your own mind and your own consciousness, because to do so would only reveal their own emptiness.

Make no mistake, they feel deeply threatened when they see how unique and confident and free you are, and it makes them angry. That is when they will lash out at you. It makes them angry because they feel like their very existence is slipping away. You are so much more vivid and alive than this petty and envious little person, and they feel a desperate urge to destroy you. They don’t want you to be autonomous, to be self-actualized, to be proud. They want you to be a mirror for them, because they have no self, and they need you to reflect their own wishful thinking back at them. They feed off you. They are not self-sustaining or self-sufficient. They need to borrow your energy. 

They want to make you believe that you are just their shadow; that you have no existence or worth, without them, that you are merely their appendage, their accessory, a tool in their hands. But the opposite is true: they are ravenously envious of how bright and brilliant and light-hearted you are, and they know that they are just a shadow; that your presence casts them into the shade.

This is why they try to claw you to pieces, to erase you, to erase the hated image of the things they can never have and can never be.

Remember: they have no self, and that is why they use you. They hope that by calling you stupid, they make themselves smart. By calling you weak, they make themselves strong. By calling you lazy, they make themselves virtuous and heroic. By treating you like an embarassment, a nuisance, a burden, they make themselves seem socially acceptable.

You are the scapegoat. They have cunningly transferred all their negative qualities and neuroses and pathologies and ugliness onto you. They have handed you the bag filled with their own horribleness and now they’re making you hold it, for the rest of your life, so they don’t have to bear that weight. It’s a case of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy: if you are the sick one, the defective one, the disordered one, the dependent one, then they are the care-giver, so admirable and kind and generous.

They have one emotion, and that is rage, but don’t be fooled into believing that their rage makes them powerful or strong, or confident, or effective, or intimidating. It is the futile, hopeless, impotent rage of one who hates what they cannot understand, who sees what they cannot be, who covets what they can never have.

And of course, the first part they want to devour is your brain, because that is the seat of your genius, it’s where your awareness resides, it’s the home of your private thoughts and your personhood, and your ability to think critically and see them for what they are. 

A person who screams and rages like a frustrated toddler, who whines and fusses like an agitated dog, is not “strong" or “in control." They are not tough or confident or take-charge, they do not have the qualities of a leader. The Emperor has no clothes. A person doing the emotional  and verbal equivalent of releasing their bowels and bladder and spreading their waste-matter all over the room is not “strong.” They have emotional incontinence. 


	18. End-Stage Laziness

Weddings and babies are the last recourse of the creatively bankrupt.


	19. The Title Entitlement

How many more times are you lazy fucks going to re-use the word "Catalyst"?

Why are you getting paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for sleepwalking through your work, on auto-pilot? Why are you getting paid at all? Why is anyone watching?

I would like an answer.


	20. Married With Children

Pregnant Wifey and Doting Hubby are a truly disgusting, surreal, and disturbing sight.

I'll stick with Gothowitz.


	21. Anger is not a sustainable way of life.

Anger is healthy and positive when it's in response to real injustice. It is not a good coping method or strategy for everyday life. There is nothing inherently good about being confrontational. It does not make a person brave, strong, confident, or admirable. It makes them miserable, and makes those around them miserable. It is a sign of a deeply immature and unhappy person who is out of touch with themselves and cannot handle or process their own feelings, nor control their own reactions. There is nothing cute, funny, or feminist about someone who is incessantly angry. That's not a personality trait; it's a behavioral problem. It's a sign of someone who has never developed the ability to deal with everyday life or experience the slightest frustration or difficulty or obstacle without throwing a tantrum.

It's a sign of someone who cannot bear to have their will thwarted in even the smallest way, because they're deeply selfish and a narcissist.

Verbal and emotional abuse are never, ever cute, funny, acceptable, admirable, or a sign of a "strong woman." Emotional violence is not a personality quirk.

It causes hurt and damage, it is destructive, never productive. Being incessantly full of rage is not an eccentricity or a minor flaw, it's a mental-health issue. 

And for an abuser to blame their victim and hold the attitude of "You make me behave this way", "I'm angry because of you", or "I wouldn't get angry if you'd just behave right", or "You provoked me" is a classic manipulative trap. It's gaslighting.

Honest anger in the face of a true problem is normal, healthy, and even motivating. Spousal abuse has nothing to do with that. It's toxic and inexcusable.


	22. Ten Things to Consider

 

**_Ten Things to Consider:_ **

 

1\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.

2\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.

3\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.

4\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.

5\. There's absolutely nothing feminist about it, either.

6\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.

7\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.

8\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.

9\. Sociopathy is not funny, sexy, or cute, either.

10\. Spousal abuse is not funny, sexy, or cute.


	23. Howie's wife

Ah, yes. Howie’s wife. The one he’s “so lucky to have.” Lovely as a horse’s fart, with all the entertainment value of a dying slug, as relevant as a flea’s elbow and half as interesting. As pleasant to listen to as a car alarm, sexy like a clump of mud, attractive like a one-eyed porcupine with dysentery, loveable like an earwig. Sweet as Agent Orange and beautiful as mildew. Memorable as a sneeze. As genuine as styrofoam. As realistic and believable as Bigfoot. 

She’s a brilliant scientist just like Dick Van Dyke is a Cockney chimney sweep, like Anthony Hopkins is a serial killer, like Rachel Dolezal is black. She’s as funny as bone cancer. She’s clever and witty like wet concrete. She’s bright and scintillating like sewage. She’s such a wonderful role model for young girls, just like Susan Atkins and Squeaky Fromme. Fascinating as a tumbleweed. As trustworthy as a landmine. As necessary as polio. 

Her presence is as valuable as that of a centipede which has been dead for three days.

 

Scary? Oh, please. She’s as scary as a blind kitten. 

Just to clarify, we're talking about "Howie", not Howard. Howard is the real Howard Wolowitz, and does not have a wife. "Howie" is a pitiable shell of a man.


	24. Not "a fixer-upper."

It is completely disgusting and vile to refer to anyone, let alone one's spouse, as "a fixer-upper." No human being is EVER "a fixer-upper." This is so insulting and dehumanizing. Other people are not clay for you to mold, they are not your project or your toy.  
Howard did not need to be reformed, re-made, re-built, transformed, or "fixed." He was not defective or broken. He was just fine, the way he was. It is neither the right nor the responsibility of women to re-shape a man's character.


	25. Chapter 25

*Everything* that is shown on TBBT is the precise opposite of what a happy and healthy relationship should be. This is not a comedy, it is a hellish dystopia and a recipe for disaster. This show's philosophy is a profoundly cruel and anti-human one. This show presents a whole range of emotional and psychological torture and trauma as being cute, funny, sexy, normal, romantic, relatable, admirable, and something to aspire to. 

If you wanted to break down a human being's mental health and sense of self and reduce them to an enslaved victim in a state of learned helplessness and terrible psychological pain, this show's version of "romance" is a blueprint for that.

These writers have really and truly created storylines in which the gradual and relentless destruction of a character's personhood and humanity is presented as heartwarming comedy. It is chilling. I would sooner watch graphic violence than watch the systematic cruelty and abuse of the human psyche which this show presents as "character development" or "growth."

This material is more disturbing than any horror movie I've watched. To anyone who loves Howard or Sheldon, this is a snuff film. I genuinely would not watch one of the recent episodes even if you offered to pay me for my time. This is not comedy, this is not romance, this is not a lovely heartwarming story about "becoming a better person." This is a torture manual showing how to undermine someone's self-confidence and self-respect, bit by bit and piece by piece; how to break them down psychologically, how to violate their boundaries and limits and strip away their identity, their sense of self, their independence and dignity.


	27. A lot of worsts and a few bests...

**Some of the very worst moments of BBT, for me, in no particular order:**

1\. The Stag Convergence. (AKA, let's pretty much watch Howard commit suicide on-screen, followed by group hugs. This is the one that haunted me for weeks. I wouldn't re-watch it if you paid me.)

2\. Wifey berates "Howie" about money-matters, in front of Leonard and Penny, and pretty much tries to verbally destroy him and utterly humiliate him. Then they cuddle in bed, afterwards. (!!!) Vile. Just vile. Horrible, horrible, horrifying. This material isn't fit to be shown on television.

3\. Wfey says "You're an idiot" and "Howie" agrees.

4\. Wifey says "Zip it, pervert."

5\. Wifey states that she's going to wait until "Howie" is away at Comic Con and then bring in a wrecking ball to re-model Howie's mother's house; the house where he grew up. This really stands out as just deeply evil and vile and devoid of any consideration or respect or compassion whatsoever. This is the type of thing which so clearly shows that Wifey has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or is a sociopath.

6\. "Howie" performs that execrable song full of untruths and retcons and self-abasement, for Wifey, and ropes everyone else into participating. (?!?!).

7\. That scene about a letter from Howie's long-lost father. This scene looks and feels like something from a daytime soap opera. You're *really* out of ideas if you're resorting to the "long-lost relatives" trope. It's so cringey.

8\. The "Howie in Space" storyline is cringey, implausible, and very mean-spirited, and we get to see Raj fantasize about the possibility of his best friend's death. (!?!?) Jokes about swallowing your own vomit are just lovely...

9\. "Howie" uses a spitball to essentially spit into Sheldon's mouth. Let me repeat that: this show has a joke about *spitting into someone else's mouth.* Welcome to the top-rated, most-watched comedy in America, kids...

10\. Penny tells Howard/Howie that none of the women in the entire world will ever want him, so he'd better sign a prenuptial agreement and put aside his doubts about marrying what's-her-face, because he'll never find, nor deserve, anyone better. This is just really, really awful.

11\. This show tries to convince us that someone getting punched in the face is funny and justified.

12\. Howie spends Wiggy's money on a 3D printer. (Implausible.) Howie doesn't have any money because his job is low-paying. (Impossible.) Wiggy takes over their entire financial life. (Not okay.)

13\. Various occasions where Raj and Howard are shitty towards each other. They've always been snarky, but in later seasons it goes too far. (The show has to turn them against each other, in order to facilitate the Howie/Wifey ship. Plus, the show has just become more cruel, overall.)

14\. Howard/Howie can't throw a baseball. Fuck that noise, a two-year-old can throw a baseball.

15\. Howard/Howie can't or won't do laundry. Even if his mother never taught him, it's not exactly difficult. Fuck that noise.

16\. Howard/Howie can't or won't cut his own pancakes or his own meat. Fuck that noise. We've seen the quartet of guys having meals together in literally every episode. Retconnnn.....

17\. Howard/Howie can't repair a drone. Fuck that noise, he's an *engineer.*

18\. Howie has a previously-unmentioned half-brother. This is so stupid as to be unworthy of comment.

19\. Howie's plot device...I mean, uh, his father...is coming back into the picture again? Yeah, no thanks.

20\. The show decides to drop random nuggets of totally implausible backstory, like "Howard and Leonard were best friends before Raj came along" or "Howard's mother chooses his clothes for him." (????) Howard's mother wouldn't choose those clothes. Those clothes are such a major part of his character and personality! Those clothes are the pure essence of Howard!

21\. The show decides to wallow in schmaltz by making a big, weepy, messy, exploitative thing out of the death of Howard's mother--or rather, the death of the actress who voiced her. This one might be more a matter of personal preference, but I think it's emotionally manipulative and not suitable for a light comedy. Mrs.W isn't dead, in my world. (Nor are Raj's parents divorced. WTF. So random. So needlessly destructive and depressing.)

22\. Wifey is allowed to have past relationships, and talk about them. Howie is *not* supposed to have past relationships, or talk about them. Apparently he's supposed to pretend that he lived inside an egg prior to meeting Wifey...

23\. Wiggy can consort with strippers, Hubby can't.

24\. Anything involving "Wiggy is preggo", or the Spawn of Howie & Wiggy.

 

**And now, time for a few *good* moments, in no particular order:**

Howard's Jester costume. Adorable.

Howard's Peter Pan/Robin Hood costume. Likewise adorable.

Howard's Goth persona. *Fabulous*

And so many little lines and quotes which I can't bring to mind, right now....


	29. Chapter 29

A person who wants to control others is a person who can't control themselves.


	30. Chapter 30

We keep being told that Howard is the childish one, while Bernadette throws tantrums and speaks with a baby-voice.


	31. Chapter 31

The character that Simon Helberg is now playing is not even a diluted and debased version of Howard, it's simply a different character altogether. These are stock sitcom characters: Lazy Husband, Nagging Wife, Wacky Neighbor, Dumb Blonde. This character does things that Howard would simply never, ever do, unless he'd experienced some type of catastrophically traumatic event. 

The only possible in-universe explanation for the events of recent seasons is that Howard and Sheldon have PTSD. (Neglecting one's personal hygiene and personal grooming is a sign of depression.) 

This is not "character development." It's absolutely nothing of the kind. We simply have the same actors playing different characters, here. BBT has become a generic sitcom with all the usual, stereotypical characters. 

These tropes and stereotypes are quite literally older than television itself. They go all the way back to the days of radio as the most popular medium for mainstream entertainment. Most viewers, apparently, don't have enough knowledge of pop-culture history to recognize this, so they think it's cute and funny and original and clever. These character-types probably date back to the Greek and Roman theater of ancient times. 

Nothing could turn that guy into this guy...except prolonged distress and psychological torture which basically resulted in a nervous breakdown.


	32. My argument in a nutshell

 Why am I writing this? What is my intention and goal, here? I want to make a brief post which may answer those questions.

 

First of all, let’s deal with a few typical objections or strawman arguments:

 

“If you hate BBT, then just don’t watch it. Why are you devoting so much time and energy to something you dislike? Lots of people *do* enjoy it, so why are you trying to ruin it for them? Most people who watch this show love it, so you’re in the minority and therefore you’re clearly wrong. Just give up.”

 

First of all, I *don’t* watch BBT. I have not watched a complete season since S3, and I don’t think I’ve watched a complete episode beyond S5 or 6.  But I can comment on the later seasons because I have watched many individual scenes and clips and moments, on Youtube, and I have read transcripts and synopses, and other secondary material like interviews and reviews and magazine or blog articles and forum posts.

 

As I’ve stated many times, I wouldn’t watch a new episode of BBT even if I were paid by the minute, and there are certain episodes, scenes, and moments which I would not re-watch even if you promised me literally anything, in return. I wouldn’t watch Howie’s wedding to what’s-her-face if you offered to pay off my student loan debt, in exchange. I wouldn’t watch what’s-her-face screaming at Howie about money even if you offered to make all my wildest dreams come true...because my dreams would consist of those episodes not existing, in the first place.

 

This is not a case of “Don’t like? Don’t watch.” I know that I don’t like watching rape and violence, so I don’t watch GOT or Dexter or Hannibal, or really any of the currently popular dramas. There are plenty of things that either don’t interest me, or that I actively dislike, and therefore I don’t watch them.

 

There are other shows that I stopped watching because I simply lost interest, but I don’t write screeds against them. I seldom like long-running TV series, anyway, so I’m unlikely to keep watching *anything* that goes beyond three or four seasons. I prefer my entertainment to be more short-term and bite-sized. Some shows become tiresome after a while, but I don’t find them actively offensive or upsetting, just boring, and so I move on to something else.

 

I think Family Guy and its ilk are gross, and therefore I don’t watch them, but I don’t bother to campaign against them; the existence of that genre of humor doesn’t cause me any personal offense or emotional reaction. I don’t watch, read, or listen to things that don’t bring me joy. Entertainment is supposed to be *entertaining.*

  
  


I don’t bother to write reams of criticism about every piece of media that I dislike. That’s not the point, here. I am writing about BBT because I believe that this show has gone far beyond merely “jumping the shark.” It’s not merely boring or repetitive, or something like that. It doesn’t simply have a few missteps or a few sour notes or a few distasteful moments. It’s worse than that. He's dead, Jim.

 

Here’s another possible argument that’s often heard by people who dare to criticize BBT:

 

“You’re just bitter because your ship isn’t canon.”

  


This is no longer solely about shipping, for me. It’s not even *mainly* about shipping. I’m a Howard/Raj shipper and always will be, regardless of what happens in canon, but Howard and Raj in their present incarnations do not interest me. I don’t give a fuck about Season 10 Howard and Season 10 Raj, except insofar as they are insults to the memory of Season 1 Howard and Season 1 Raj.

 

I would much rather see Howard be single than see him in an unhappy relationship of any kind, with anyone, male or female.

 

My objections to TBBT are no longer simply about personal preference or shipping. This is no longer about the usual fandom feuds and squabbles. I’m not pouting because the writers declined to make my personal fantasies and headcanons a reality. This isn’t a case of “If I can’t win the game, I’m taking my ball and going home.” Rather, this is a game where *nobody* wins.

 

**In a nutshell, TBBT has become one of the ugliest, cruelest, most backwards, regressive, harmful pieces of “entertainment” that I have ever witnessed. This show is propaganda, and that is why I am writing against it.**

 

Viewers who are young and/or naive are absorbing these messages, maybe even subconsciously, and they are assimilating these messages into their own lives, their own values, their own families and relationships and beliefs. They are learning all the wrong lessons, in the form of a seemingly innocuous, candy-colored comedy. A spoonful of sugar makes the arsenic go down...

 

New TBBT is not merely gross or crass or intentionally offensive, it’s not merely lowbrow humor. it's hypocritical and two-faced and self-righteous. Family Guy is not pretending to be a lovely, heartwarming show about friendship and marriage and personal growth and the healing power of true love. But TBBT *is* claiming, and claiming quite loudly, insistently, and relentlessly, to be a beautiful, sweet, emotional show about love and friendship and becoming a better person, about the lovely and bittersweet journey from childhood into adulthood and from selfishness into being a fully functional human being.

 

TBBT wants you to believe that this is a show about people leaving behind the fears and flaws and foolishness of childhood and experiencing the painful yet rewarding journey into being a “Real Person.”

 

It’s not. It’s nothing even remotely like that. These writers are clueless about character development and personal growth, they seem to have zero understanding of what character development or personal growth actually are.

 

This show is ugly and cruel, sadistic and malicious, it’s anti-intellectual and pro-mediocrity. **And remember, this stuff is not being presented as dark comedy or satire.** It’s being presented as straightforwardly cute, funny, endearing, normal, and admirable.

 

TBBT is *not* being marketed as a cautionary tale about terrible people and their terrible relationships. It’s not Arrested Development or Always Sunny. The writers don’t want you to critique these relationships, they want you to accept them and embrace them. They want you to take all of this stuff at face value and swallow it whole. They don’t want you to ask questions or have doubts. They seem to want a wholly *uncritical* audience who won’t try to poke holes in this structure that they’ve built. In jargon-speak, they don’t want you to “interrogate the narrative.”

 

**This is a show that  likes to make a mockery of incest, pedophilia, rape, molestation, stalking, gaslighting, abuse of all kinds, alcoholism, depression, mental illness, despair, loneliness, bullying, divorce, Aspergers, homophobia, and anti-Semitism.**

That’s why I’m writing against it. Because a show with this many viewers shouldn’t get to just blithely promote whatever they please and expect one hundred percent of the American public to go along with it, without even a peep of dissension.

  


If you want my entire argument in a nutshell, if you want my whole message in the shortest possible form, here goes:

 

1\. Later-seasons Howard, or “Howie”, is a completely different person than early-seasons Howard, and this is NOT a good thing.

 

2\. Early-seasons Howard is not guilty of the various criticisms which are aimed at “Howie.” (Lazy, irresponsible, etc.)

 

3\. Bernadette is an utterly worthless character without a single point in her favor, and should *never* have existed.  Period.

 

4\. There has been no “personal growth” on this show. The characters have not evolved, they have devolved. They have not grown, they have atrophied.

 

5\. All of these relationships are textbook-perfect examples of abuse, and they are horrifying, destructive, and damaging. They are the stuff of nightmares and broken dreams and broken people.

 

6\. Weddings and babies were not the right direction for this show to take. Weddings and babies are dull, disappointing, and schmaltzy.

 

7\. If you disagree with items 1 through 6, I don’t give a fuck. I’m profoundly uninterested in your opinion. I can’t reason with an unreasonable person. Go tell someone else that the Big Bad Naysayer criticized your precious rom-com, because I’m not going to interact with you.

 

If I could, I would like to do the online fandom equivalent of having these statements printed on a card and passing them out to everyone I meet. And that’s sort of what I’m doing, with this piece here on Ao3. I want to post this message everywhere, sort of like "Killroy was here." 

 

But, if I could attempt to condense this message down further and make it even shorter, it would be this:

 

***I love Classic Early-Seasons Howard and always will. He is unchanging, to me, and I will not accept or recognize or acknowledge any other version of this character, no matter what.***


	33. Chapter 33

*Nothing* should have 11 seasons.


	34. Chapter 34

I like romance. I actually do. But romance can mean different things to different people, and I do not want to hear about weddings, babies, engagements, proposals, rings, tiaras, and all this cutesy, schmoopy, sentimental, shitty, schmaltzy nonsense in connection with TBBT. Apparently, words like "proposal" and "engagement" are supposed to make me jump up and down with glee and nearly wet myself with excitement, because I'm a woman, and more specifically a straight woman.  
Nope. I'm not buying it.

I've seen trashy paperback "bodice ripper" novels from the '80s that had a more humane and nuanced view of marriage and relationships and human sexuality than this show. That's not an exaggeration, at all.

*Fuck* your engagements and proposals and your "Babies Ever After." That's not what this show and these characters are *about.* This is not Howard, this is not Sheldon, this has nothing to do with them. This show is not even a ghost of its former self.

 

If you actually cared about Howard or Sheldon, you wouldn't want to see them enslaved and buried alive.

 

Just when I thought that the writing couldn't get any lazier, it does just that. It is lazy, lazy, lazy, and at the same time it is propaganda.

 

**Prediction: Bernadette will have a miscarriage this time, so that we can have another Very Special Episode with lots of weeping and emoting and Deep Meaningful Whatever, and Helberg looking all earnest and doe-eyed, like he's auditioning to play Hamlet.**

Because that's totally what people want from a light comedy about science and geek culture. /s

Several of my predictions about this show have been true, btw. That's because it's very predictable. I'm the Cassandra of this fandom. Or I'm one of them, at least.


	37. Chapter 37

I sincerely can't believe that this show still exists and is still airing. This show does not deserve to be popular and profitable. It does not deserve to be so inescapably ubiquitous. It does not deserve to exist, period.

It should not have an audience, it should not be making money for anyone, it should not be viable.

I have difficulty believing that these pairings are an actual thing and that people will willingly watch these characters and their interactions. 

It is so ugly, it is so tacky, it is so obnoxious, it is so objectionable in so many ways, it is so tragic.

It hurts my heart. The continued existence of this "comedy" hurts my heart. Who is actually watching this stuff? 

The fact that we've had almost NINE YEARS of the "Howie & Squeaky" ship is heartbreaking beyond description.

I'm repeatedly and continually shocked that this pairing exists and is considered watchable. It's disturbing that anyone thought this pairing deserved even 15 minutes of existence, let alone over a decade of seasons.

A decade of What's-her-face, and only two or three years of Real Howard. Good grief, that's obscene.

Fuck.This.Show.

I will celebrate when it ends. I will be glad of anything that harms its popularity or its standing or its success.

Tear it down.


	38. Chapter 38

Don't watch this show; it kills brain cells. It's like inhaling a noxious gas for fun.


End file.
